Farewell, Koko

To: Koko The Talking Gorilla
From: Bill
Subj: Breaking Up

For some time now, I've felt you drifting away. I hoped it was just a phase and that you would once again embrace me. I kept my increasing turmoil to myself because I loved you and wanted to give you your own space. My dream was that you would work through your issues, return to my side, and sign "cute kitten" as you gazed into my eyes.

But the exposure of your fetish for female nipples has ruined everything. We're through.

I was confused when you asked me to hire a dozen strippers to entertain you on your birthday. But I did it anyway because I loved you and would have done anything to make you happy. I spent all my money on warehouse-sized sacks of Hershey's Kisses, just to see the look of ecstasy on your face. When you watched wet T-shirt contest videos and clapped your hands I believed you were mocking the behavior of us silly humans.

I was so naive.

Perhaps I should have shared my misgivings long ago. Maybe deep inside I knew I could never hold the affection of a sophisticated gorilla of the world like you. That doesn't matter now. All that is real to me is my pain.

But more intense than the agony caused by your betrayal is the humiliation. Why did I have to read about this in the newspapers? Why didn't you tell me you had finally come to understand your true nature? Even with a broken heart I would have been willing to share and remain your friend.

I hope that someday I learn to forgive you and focus on all the wonderful times we had together. But I know I will never, ever, again be able to talk to Penny, the woman who launched you down a path that led away from my love. I have attached a photo of me signing a short message to her. Could you share it with her?

Yes, Koko, I'm bitter and angry. Eventually I will move on, but, for now you should know that Koko is bad girl gorilla and hurts man Bill.

Goodbye.