Thursday, January 12, 2006

My Judicial Qualifications

Sam Alito is fully qualified to sit as a justice on the U.S. Supreme Court. So am I. So is my 80-year-old mother. So is the President of France.

I defy anyone to prove otherwise.

My confidence on this matter is absolute because neither the U.S. Constitution or federal law spells out a single criterion that a candidate must meet to join the eight other folks on the big bench. Zip.

Yes, a sitting president must nominate someone and at least 51 senators must approve. But that's process and says nothing about the nominee's suitability to make big judgments on big issues.

With this in mind, I want everyone to know that I'm ready -- eager, even -- to step onto the bench with Clarence, Ruthie, Dave and the rest of the gang. In anticipation of achieving my goal I have drafted the text of a statement by the second President Clinton announcing my nomination:

"Today, I am sending the Senate a message nominating Bill Bucy to fill the Supreme Court vacancy created by the impeachment of former Justice Antonin Scalia.

"That Mr. Bucy lives fully qualifies him for this job under the U.S. Constitution and federal law. Bolstering his credentials is the welcome fact Mr. Bucy has never attended law school, worked as a lawyer or worn the black robes of a judge.

"While Mr. Bucy's lack of technical expertise will require intense on-the-job training, I believe his learning curve will be steep. Besides, the clerks make all the decisions and write the opinions, anyway.

"Given that Democrats hold a solid majority in the Senate and most of them owe me big time, I anticipate prompt hearings and a swift confirmation.

"It's customary at this point to ask the nominee to make a few remarks. However, Mr. Bucy has extended his stay in rehab to ensure he has a clear head for the upcoming court term."

"As you might imagine, I won't be taking questions."